listening to greg brown and finally writing something
i have not journalled for a month.
at this moment, I am in the computer lab in the basement of the Media Union at UM's North Campus. I brought 30 CDs with me to burn. This morning, I was disturbed awake from my dreams by my disturbingly obnoxious housemate, Jackie, who I am very excited to see leave, and when she finally left me alone, I decided to make new sleevejackets for my cd. the old ones were just ugly. i am not good with designing cds. I have decided that I cannot wait for the days when I can record in a studio and have someone take pictures of me and do all the design for me. i'm a complete loss when it comes to inspiration (regarding design.( )my website is proof)
so. i talked with henry and michael on the phone this morning. Henry made a comment about my dwindling internet presence, and I said well, you know, i've been spending my time burning CDs and unsuccessfully looking for jobs. emotionally, i've been teetering between feeling flatline, divine inspiration, and a smelly hippie girl that just smokes pot in her room all the time.
Henry said that he felt deep loneliness in the last email I sent to him - it was his intuitive response to what I wrote. I would say that's a fair estimation. I think that things haven't been the same since Jeff and I quit talking to each other. I spent an hour or so talking with Jim Fleming today (jeff's best friend, now that we're not friends anymore, and also the booking agent of ani difranco and dan bern and greg brown - hence the free greg brown i'm listening to right now)
As I walked to the Flemtam office, I racked my mind, trying to remember the last time I've seen him. I can't really remember when it last was we spoke or smoked. I know that I saw him on Thanksgiving. Jeff and I drove together to Jimbob's thanksgiving celebration at his house out in the country - we smoked weed out on the porch and another joint with dan in the driveway. it was a strange night, i guess.
maybe i saw him sometime in december before jeff and i 'split.' i don't know. it's been some time. in the last six months since we've hung out, he fell in love with a six foot tall, grecian singer-songwriter that looks like a supermodel. (i'm not kidding.) her name is amazing.
(i want a nice name too.)
so - jimbob and i caught up - but at some point i must have asked jim how jeff was doing. he told me he was doing just fine, mentally very healthy. how it's good for me not to see Jeff because, at least right now, Jeff still has to deal with his obsession / love for me in a constructive manner. apparently, jeff truly, madly, deeply loves me.
by the end of my little trip to the flemtam office, i was a weeping mess. the whole jeff thing just makes me wash into a puddle of conversations over marijuana that can never be relieved - but they were the best conversations of my life. every one of them. i think the reason i've been so lonely, as henry noted, is because i don't have anyone in my life with the connection and unconditional love and understanding between us that jeff and i did. we had spun so much silk between us that the silk became a heavy cloth, too comfortable to wear any more.
anyway. i'm not weeping any more. but jim suggested i tell jeff this: "jeff - there's no one else in my life that i connect with like you and i haven't had a good conversation in months. i think my mind is turning into mush because i haven't had a good philosophical conversation in months. i'm afraid i'm becoming less smart. please exercise my head."
i don't know. should i tell this to jeff? jim said that given jeff's enormous ego, he will appreciate the comment. (advice from the peanut gallery is accepted)
back to the drama that is my financial situation (let me break it down for you.) : 5 dollars in my checking account, 10 dollars in my wallet, 3000 dollars on my credit card - 200 of which was spent this week ('investing' in my self as an artist - i spent 30 dollars on burnable cds, 30 dollars on the sleevejacket 'art' - which are just snapshots taped onto paper and xeroxed - and today i proudly spent 115 dollars to print 50 copies of my book - of which i sold maybe 4 copies of the first printing and gave away the rest. should i charge the rest???) egad.
my finances = my emotions
my revelations have been frequent, but they are fleeting and go unscribed and unshared. i feel less and less open with people and i feel that my smiles have been fake. i am trying so hard to be happy and genuinely happy. my marijuana has run out. buy a cd for yourself or your friends. you will save me from the brink of complete starvation.