2001-11-04

I thought my day was fucked because I hadn't eaten anything. But even that wasn't a problem. And now I have so much energy I'm practically buzzing. I finally know what ecstasy is like. It's the biggest “WOW!” of my life. Like “WOW.”

Today I danced so much. I danced at the Stereolab concert - at Clutch Cargo's. While everyone else was busy watching Stereolab and paying attention to every movement by Latetia and the other band mates, I found a corner of the space to call my own for a while - where I could stare at the band if I wanted to - but I could dance if I wanted to. I had plenty of space, a long aisle that was practically empty because everyone was crowded round the balcony to squint and see the band. I danced up and down the aisle whenever the music moved me. And it did. Plenty of times. At first I wasn't so sure about it - but Stereolab was really great live. Jeni thinks the show was too short - but I think it was just the right amount of time. It was beautiful and I was ready to go outside and have a drink of cold air. My skin was burning with blood. My face; sweaty and red. And as I walked out of the show, my face dripping, sticky and my armpits a rainforest of body odour, I walked next to a man who commented about my dancing - saying it seemed so professional. Which I laughed at. It seemed like such a joke to me. I just dance to let the demons out and because if I don't dance I will feel like that moment is passing and I could either watch it walk by or I could celebrate that moment to live. So I choose to celebrate that moment. That's what it is. A celebration of that moment of life. So it's a prayer and a meditation and a rejoicing. That's why it is so transcendant and ecstatic - because you're so glad you get to be alive for that moment that you want to give back everything you can - everything you feel in the fullest rapture possible to the universe which gave you this moment. By standing back and watching it pass, you're giving the universe no joy, and thus you receive no joy. By praising that moment the universe praises you and a circle of joy and admiration ensues. Oh, it's so beautiful to behold.

So - I danced at Stereolab and I danced at Josh's party at Arbor Vitae. Jai questioned whether or not she should come. She stayed at home and slept. But this is the reward for going into unknown places and dancing in their living rooms - then you get to be awake at 2:15 in the morning and you get to feel what it means to really be alive. You get to say "Wow" to everything and say "what do I get to do? What do I get to do?" You want to breathe so deeply because the universe is breathing you deeply into the fullness of its lungs. You are being taken in. Into yourself and your life. You want to wilt with happiness because this moment is more amazing than the moment before it because you are here. This is here. Right here Stop. Stop. And feel it.

I want to give the biggest smile to everyone I see. I want to hug and love. This is what it feels like to be Mother Theresa or Rumi. So grateful. So grateful - I almost want to cry.

I danced at Arbor Vitae to songs I don't even really like. But I felt them. I got inside them and squished around and found a home of sonic love. And then my hands moved this way and that and I knew that life would somehow be all right because this moment was the most interesting thing I'd ever seen. Just like the ocean and the waves lapping at your toes. I want to dive in. I want to dive in permanently and never come out of the water. I want to be a mermaid in bliss. I will feel everything and know nothing because I am choosing to feel and my knowledge is limited and so all I know is what is before me. This is what it feels like inside a moment of joy. It feels like disarming your entire body and accepting life. It feels like riding a wave of cosmic pleasure and knowing that you are going to be taken care of. This moment to the next - the universe has you in its saddle ready to ride off into the next moment and if you are there too you will know when it's time to get off and step onto the ground. You will know that life is about getting on and getting off and not comlaining when it's time to change. You must feel that change is necessary and that it is everything in that moment - and as much as that change reeks of tension and fear - that change means something you can't see because you only see by looking. You don't see by grasping the entirity of the universe. It can't see things only you will never see - until perhaps you pass on and find joy somewhere else. I know I know. I know it may all end tomorrow. I could die tomorrow entirely happy knowing that I have lived so many outrageous, joyful moments. I can't even begin to count them all on twenty hands. I want to hug the world for everything beautiful I've ever seen. I want to thank the world for giving me moments in the arms of Markita. I want to thank the world for showing me the bliss and inspiration in Helena's photography. I want to give Anthony my love for all eternity. What he does not know is that he freed me to feel the fullest desire for someone. I've never known desire the way I knew desire with him. I never knew fear until I discovered what it's like to fear giving yourself over entirely to someone else. It's impossible for so many people to give themselves over entirely to someone else. They can't give themselves over to themselves, let alone one other person or even greater yet - everyone else in the entire world. But giving yourself over as a living sacrifice - living in utmost joy - that's what life is about. I know I could die tomorrow. I may die tomorrow. Someone may accidentally shoot me or I may fall under the wheels of a some gigantic semi truck. Or maybe I will have a heart attack and the last moment I am alive I will think about how much love I've got for this world. I will think about Jeff and how much his love has meant to me. I will think about all the conversations we've ever had and all the hugs I've given him and all the marijuana we've smoked together. We have built up such an incredible bond. I truly love this man. I wish the world could see how beautiful he is - even though he is a deeply troubled soul. He has held so much pain - and so it is with the most careful of joy that he holds me in his hands - he supports me because he knows and sees that I need him to be my rock, my support system, my granite amongst the tides of each passing moment. He hears every lap and shiver that foams over my consciousness. He sees every joy and every moment - in ways I've had to give myself to him more fully than I've ever given myself to anyone before. It's a complete trust and understanding that nearly no one else would understand. And I know that I could die tomorrow happy knowing that I got to have him in my life for only three years - but those three years were long enough to know that it's possible to have a friend that loves you unconditionally. I never knew that this was possible until I met Jeff. Before that I'd never really known what love was truly like. So many people washed against my shore and brushed it casually like a piece of floatsom or a bottle with a message in it that I opened every time but sometimes I found only scribbles and a help wanted sign. I guess I just never believed that working was what was important in life. It just never clicked with me or made sense to me. There were so many more important things in life than making money. I am so grateful to have been choked by beauty every moment of every day for the last several years. I will never forget what it was like to be the horrified child crumbling underneath my desk - afraid of my classmates and afraid of myself. I responded bitterly. I responded by lashing out and sifting everything through my head and seeing only what I wanted to see. This is what Jacob does, perhaps.

This is the joy. This is the wonder of every moment I've ever come to share a pleasurable hug with. This is what it feels like to know you're a human being that can feel and feel what is real and know that the world around you is the most insanely divine thing that has ever been manifested. So what if the heavens push you back down on your ass and make you ponder the infinite array of galaxies 230 million light years away. Who cares? If you can't see how beautiful the world in front of you is. If you can't see the beauty of the fucked-up-ness you're not living. You're not breathing if you can't get inside this moment and live in heaven. I am there most every moment. I want to be here observing this blade of grass. I want to be here feeling this painting. I want to sit here and feel this lust for you because you turn me on greater than I ever knew was possible. Anthony, I do love you. Why do I love you? Because you love me and we share an affinity for each other. I love you because you make me know what love can really be. I never knew that my heart could collapse from my chest in the utmost adoration for another human being. I never knew that I could see how beautiful you are and then want to kiss you for days and weeks. I never knew that it was possible to want to make love to one person for the rest of your life. To share in that moment with each other. That is a choice. That is a choice to be in that pleasure together. To let go and know that this pleasure is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen or felt.

Jai said tonight: "Kaite dances for everyone." Perhaps it is true. I dance because everyone else is afraid to rip apart their bodies and their souls and join in the chorus of that moment. I dance because if I do not dance with my arms fully wide open to the heavens, I will not fulfill myself. I can stand and watch or I can dance. The choice is up to you. I say: Dance and never look back. This relates to the photography too. If the world around you isn't the most beautiful thing you've ever seen before - then you're not a photographer. If you can't jump inside someone's eyelash flutter and exclaim with ecstasy that that facial expression is a moment of pure joy, what are you doing? You'd better start noticing. You'd better start noticing how the littlest of things are the same as the biggest of things. People look at my abstracts of a granite beach covered with barnacles and mussels and they wonder how I thought of seeing the world that way. I didn't think to see the world that way. I just saw a moment of mind-exploding beauty and I wanted to preserve it for myself. Really, it's completely selfish. But they look at it and they see that instead of looking like a tidal pool with mussels and barnacles - they see instead a valley nestled in rounded hills surrounded by white trees and a perfectly translucent lake. In order to interpret it - they have to imagine what they're seeing. They take a leap of faith and see something in a way they've never seen before. And then they realize there's more than one way of looking at the world. They see that the smallest of tide pools are no different than the forest - they both have ecosystems complete unto themselves that if we bother will be destroyed. It is best to keep these ecosystems complete because then we get to see the beauty of its magnificent plan, rather than the cruddy ruddiness of our disintegrating society that in 500 years will mean nothing to anyone else except that it really fucked up their society. We've got to start looking for the connections rather than the distractions if we're going to start seeing what the world is really made of.

It just occurred to me how happy I am to have known Jai and Jeni. They are such blessings. I don't quite know why - but they have positively affected my life and I adore them, consequently. Jai is so beautiful. I want to give her all the love in the world and surround her with a peaceful blanket of joy so that she can see how beautiful she really is.

I don't want to die.

I want to extend my love to everyone. My thank you list is so fucking big. I can't write anymore. But I want everyone to know that I love them more than they will ever know. I love Mom and Dad and Jonathan and Jacob and my Grandma Bame and my Grandma Hoover. I don't want to die. But I feel I will. What if I do? I don't want to fear it. Thank you Virginia Woolf and Ani Difranco and Bjork and John Coltrane and Clarice Lispector and Nabakov and Rumi and Anne Sexton and Markita and Meredith Monk and Terry Riley and Henry and Michael and Meade and Marie and Ben and Heather and Xanthippe and Haju and Carmen and Dory and Helena and Chip and Josh and Charlie Parker and Miles Davis and Regie Gibson and Rachael Waas Smith and Jeanette Winterson and Belle & Sebastian and PJ Harvey and Wallace Stevens and Mimi Nguyen and Ray Wagel and Nina Simone and Dan Bern and Seth Bernard and Patti Smith and Stacey and god - every other person who has made this life a fucking joy. I love it all and everything else. You are my good night dream.

THANK YOU. I appreciate it. Really I do. I love you like I've never loved you before. And I will tell you how I feel. I will use these eyes of mine that they may see, this body of mine that I may dance, this camera of mine that I may keep the best moments in the most beautiful way possible, this english language which gives me the ability to show who I am and show me who everyone else is, this voice which sings because I love life so much that I want to sing forever and never let my voice droop, dribble or falter. I want to die singing. I said I was completely devoted. That I wanted to give myself to the universe as fully as possible. I don't want this body. Take of it what you need. I am nothing but a small girl with the best of intentions - and that is to live and enjoy the wild ride. And I have - I have. Tonight was just another night of the most beautiful thing I'd ever felt. But now the high is coming down and I could crash into the most beautiful of slumbers if I closed my eyes. But I don't want to blink and miss anymore of the game. It's still changing and it's still whorling into a new constitution. But I feel stars behind my shoulder and I hear laughter down the hall and I know that life has been lived and I'm grateful to have come this far. I hope I made someone happy or made them think or gave them the grace of life for one moment. Just one moment is all it takes to get inside them and see the possibility that maybe we are a living work of art. That this world means nothing but the way you approach it means everything.

I want to give life a big old slobbery kiss like a dog that's come up to you as you're crouching on the ground trying to be at his level. You should always come to the level of your love or you're missing out and then you won't feel the wholeness of it. I write because my hands move and these words are just flowing through me. But it's about time for me to settle into sleep and wake up tomorrow happy to be alive again.

Thank you thank you thank you.

(Jeff (and sasha) this was the best birthday present I could think of to give to you. I give you me.) (same goes for Jonathan too. I love you boy. I really do. I felt it deep in my bones that night we did coricidin and hung out in my tent and listened to Pink Floyd. Jonthan - you and I are cosmic soul twins, and I feel it deep inside of me. I will always love you.) And mom - dear mom - you gave life to me and for that you are my Madonna. You are magical and special because I have your cheekbones and I have your ego and I have your talent and your imagination. I have your passion for understanding and contemplating and thinking about things like writing and art and Native Americans. I hope you find yourself where-ever you go. Don't be afraid to let go of the past. The future is the present disguised as a moment and if you let too many moments slip on by you might miss the beauty of it. So if you and dad need to separate because you are two completely different people - I hope you know that I support your decision. Dad needs to let go and be dropped from a ten story window screaming the whole way. All that financial stress and loans and stuff it don't mean nothing. Don't dig yourself a hole unless you want to get back out of it. Otherwise, stay on top soil and free your mind - relenquish it to the sun. Dad, this is my commandment to you - quit your job, play the guitar, fuck your finances, fall in love and have the best sex of your life with a woman who makes you feel like a man. Feel it from deep inside you and breathe living ecstasy. Eat her up as though she were the finest mango you'd ever inhaled. Or go jump in the ocean or go climb Mount Everest. Just do something you've never done before, before it's too late because the door may be shutting and what's the point of being if you're not being?

Is this my last goodbye? Only tomorrow will know. Only the world will know and maybe I will too. But I hope someone digs through my stuff and rescues every treasure I've written, hoped, photographed and sung. Please someone do something with the shit I've coalesced in my time spent on earth. It was a pleasure. I would do it again if I didn't want to see what the rest of the galaxy was like. I'm serious. I want to know what the far off moons of some planet in another galaxy look like. I want to see aliens and nebula and I want to see a real black hole. I want to walk inside a star and touch it from the inside out and burn with the hydrogen fusion. I want to be that thermonuclear reaction. I want to vibrate at the highest frequency possible. I want to scream and dance and read and love and be loved and share as many precious moments as I can. You are mine and I am yours. We belong together. You and me. Just like this. Can you hear me? Can you hear my heart beating? My chest is falling open. My head is exploding. And the only thing I want from you is this: here. Kiss my moment. Kiss it now. On the forehead. And then on the lips and then hold it deeply. Draw it in. Bring your bodies together - let no space come between you and the moment. Be aroused. Feel the tension. Let it slip into you like a cock rolling in and out. You are wet with the emminent arrival of this second. You can hardly wait. You begin to soften and glisten and you can hear everything come to a visible stand still. You are making love to a moment. It's going in and out and oh - you want to hold it tighter and tighter. Make it the sexiest, kinkiest, loudest, most obnoxious thing you've ever done. Make it real and do it here. DO IT HERE. Scream. Scream I say. Scream at the top of your lungs and feel the air drop in and out. Stay inside. Don't stop. You're not finished. You've only just begin. Now do that every moment of your life. Make love to it. Make it burn like your cunt or your cock on fire. Hold it. Suckle it. Love it. Parade in it. Sing in absolute rapture. Sing the song that only you know how to sing. Sing it fierce. Scream it if you need to. You are inside. You are inside. It's like a beautiful red, warm wall covering your consciousness with red wool. Red red red. Red may be a lower frequency on the electromagnetic scale - but red is red whether or not it's slow. It's moving and grooving and you want it to thrust you with the most immense joy that your moment can offer. You want to scream. Cry out God. Cry out your name. Cry out holy hallelujahs. Cry out Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest! Bless you lord, bless you. This is what life is about! Ringing in the new-year by living it the same as today. Right now. Right here. This moment is a new-years-day. It's your birthday. Celebrate. Go to the park and make out for hours with your lover. Go climb the cliffs at Otter Cliffs and don't be afraid to jump down to the lower area near the tide pools. So what if you fall on your ass, get up, wipe the seaweed off and start gallopping around like you never knew what your legs were for. Take pictures. Compose music. Make somebody besides yourself happy. It may seem selfish to want to live for art - but art is the only thing worth living for because it's the only thing that doesn't die when a body does. It passes on to the future what can only be had in that moment - and everyone crowds round it and says "yeah, that's how it is." "yeah, I know that beauty." Oh, I want to be that fire that everyone warms their fingers round. I will be the blood of the vein of the moment. I will travel through tubes of now and sputter out into my dream and travel down roads of distant stars where Orion will leap in my lap and the Pleides will plead with me to find a better lover than Orion (fer chrissakes!) Okay, now I'm getting too carried away with metaphor. I think I'm beginning to crash. I really think this high is beginning to come down. But it was worth it. So worth it, for this evening, I am blessed and I know what God's love feels like. It's like sunshine warming your back on a warm summer's day. It's like a gentle grin to a stranger you've never seen before. Seeing God on Earth is seeing so many brilliant, talented, marvelous, beautiful artists that have paraded through history. They have shown me bits of myself and now I show you bits of you. Look inside. Be there for a moment.

Ready, Set, Go!

See - I taught you how to dance.

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